Ive been trying to eat. I’ve been trying to be healthy. But the only things i can eat without purging is greek yogurt, fruit, and rolled up deli low sodium turkey… only 4 slices max. And everyday I try to be healthy its like i end up starving and binging and purging even though i dont WANT to. my body just does it, probably because it hates me.

I’ve been telling myself lately, i just want to be a regular person. But truth is, im not sure what a regular person is anymore. is it someone who eats healthy? or eats what they want? they dont physically purge, but they exercise? they dont feel fat?

then how is it that your regular person can eat a cheeseburger and go on about their “healthy” lives… but if i ate a cheeseburger, I’d gain approximately 2.2 pounds? i understand the whole concept, it was more rhetorical.. but how am i supposed to be “healthy” if healthy at first.. or ever… makes me blow up like a fucking cow?

Easter Fail

04/01/2013

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happy easter, all!

today was the day i had been setting aside to put all my fears behind me, and come out to the one person in my family that i could trust. my aunt. knowing that she would help me out financially with recovery, because my insurance has a $1000 deducible, I was quick to pick her.

I’m not sure if she would tell anyone else. and that scared me a little. my mother, until beyond her dying day, will never find out about this eating disorder. even if it means staying disordered for the rest of my life, she will never have a clue.

For weeks I’ve been looking forward to seeing her. To telling her. To getting help. FINALLY. Lately I’ve just felt so dead. I’m tired of pretending to be happy, pretending to be alive… putting this fucking smile on when i want the world to go fuck itself. Of pretending to be so full of life when im so empty… I just want it done. I want a new chapter.. When will this page turn?

but i couldn’t. I sat down at the table, and buffet style had to shovel food onto my plate and into my mouth. salad…. main course… salad….dessert… and i had to pretend like everything was alright. “it’s okay to cheat” i told myself. Then my inner devil smacked me. This isnt cheating. you’re failing, you’re a failure. Bulimia wont stay at rest for long. you so much as smell food and that bitch will wake up. so i didn’t. i couldn’t. So i guess i stay bulimic for another day.

breakups, makeups

03/30/2013

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my best friend and i got into a huge fight over 20 dollars that she owed me back in november. I never got the money, and we stopped hanging out. Recently though, we’ve started hanging out again. She’s convinced me that she doesnt smoke pills anymore, but I know she does. She says she used to be addicted, but now she rarely does them, so shes not.

yet everytime we hang out, she wants to do them. She hangs out with people who only use her so they dont have to spend the 30 dollars to get high. She doesnt want to listen, because she thinks she convincing everyone that shes not addicted.

my boyfriend and i have broken up. we both have our issues that we both need to work on, as you already know. And although you all told me i shouldnt date him, and my friends dont care for him, theres something about him i cant put my finger on that attracts me to him. It’s like, I know under the addiction he’s a good person, and i know he’s trying to beat it, and he’s doing a great job, but no one else can see that. I either dont tell them because it’s not their business or they just see him as some drugged up junkie. Which he is not. He comes from a prominent family, graduated college, has an excellent job. So i don’t understand what it is that everyone else around me dislikes about him

single

03/11/2013

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im newly single. and im not really sure how i feel about it. through the end of my relationship i wanted it to end, but i cared so much about him. he said he cared about me, and my “problems” but he never brought it up, just shoveled food into my face. i told him i wanted to get better and see a doctor, he said i should, but never brought up by his own free will my eating disorder. I know he didn’t know how it was affecting me, but it seems to me that for him his number one priority was getting over his need for suboxone and my number one priority was him. he doesnt agree and gets angry that im busy with school and work and adds his stress onto my already stressed to the max life. we never had sex. no matter how much we fought. we were both broke. It just seems like it went from perfect to shambles overnight. He says its me, i say its him. we agree on nothing anymore. I don’t understand. I want to cry, and my eyes well up with tears but nothing falls. I want to binge and purge so much, but my appetite isn’t there. I dont know how i feel or how im supposed to feel. I’m avoiding him and hes not trying to talk to me. I’m so confused as to what to do, it’s making me crazy.