define

bulimia; it’s about feeling your strongest, but being your weakest.. and not knowing the difference.

that’s how i define my eating disorder.
today i was late for work… again. third time this month, and next time it happens i’m as good as fired. awesome. i get so hungry lately. i’ve binged and purged upwards of three times in a row twice a day. i’ve gained two pounds. im miserable. i drink and blow coke to pass the hours instead of staring at my fridge. in the moment it seems worth it… until six alarms go off the next morning and i dont hear a sound. and i run to work with cocaine drip dried around my nose with no makeup on and two day old fried chicken scented clothes. sexy.

and keeping true to yesterdays word, of only doing things that make me happy, i decided that im going to go to one doctor.. one time.. and see what my options are. i don’t want to give up bulimia because i know without it ill be fat, and fat is more miserable than this. atleast with bulimia i can act happy. fat just makes everything more real. not fitting into cute clothes, not getting the cute boys, it SUCKS. but i don’t want to be in this daze anymore. i don’t want to just live, i want to be alive.

we’ll see though, ill keep ya’ll updated… gym timeee!

How do you define your current eating situation?

lifes a bitch, be one back

you know what guys, ive been reading a few blogs recently of now bulimics.. and i realize the one thing they all have in common is the people around them.

im done being nice about it and saying it will get better.

the other day i went to my thinking spot:

and if there wasnt people there staring at me for going alone on a hike, i probably would’ve cried. and i realized that my entire life, ive made people happy. thats what i do. its what i live for. making someone not happy is like… failure. im such a goddamn people pleaser.

growing up i never told my family about my molester because i didn’t want to hurt them.

there. i said it. something i actually tried to hide from you guys. to make you all not worry, or feel bad.

and please. dont fucking feel bad at all.

i overcame it and when i was 15 i was basically forced to tell. I refused to press charges, my family was pissed. i was pissed at them for finding out. it doesnt really bother me these days.

i work so hard to please bosses or people around me that i physically wear myself to the bone.

its a neverending cycle when you’re doing shit to please other people. i wish i could be bulimic, and have people understand.. but yet again i find myself nine years old writing in my diary things that would kill the people around me.

and so today marks the day where i say fuck it.

this doesnt mean im coming out about bulimia. i never will. but this means that if bulimia doesnt make me happy, im gonna fight that bitch like hell.

the second where throwing up lunch feels wrong, im stopping. (i know i say this now, but who am i really doing this for?) if eating a cheeseburger makes me happy, fuck it. for now, as sick as this sounds, bulimia makes me happy. it satisfies me. it gets me by without being overly depressed.

before i was bulimic i was happy, but i was heading down a not so happy road. if this is the thing that keeps my head above water, for just a moment longer, it’s what im going to do, and everything else that matters will just have to fit around it.

you guys, who gives a shit if a guy doesnt like you like you like him? it will hurt less if you just get over him. who cares if your boss is mad you wont stay four hours overtime? its his own fucking fault for making such a shitty schedule. who cares if your sister thinks your too thin? maybe she just got the shitty genetics.

the last part was a joke… but forreal, just make it look like you’re eating healthy.

the people at my new jobs talk about how little and skinny i am. and i only eat one chobani and a water when im on my lunch break. if they think you eat healthy, they wont bother asking more.

clear

(un)happy thanksgiving everyone!

today sucked. im pretty sure i fought with every single person i talked to. so now im sitting in bed alone.. not talking to anyone.

the other day i was at work just going through the motions of daily life, and i came to the realization (just wait) that im not bulimic.

i do it to be skinny.. its not something i need.

but then i thought about it more..

listen girl.. you’ve lost 42 pounds in the last few months alone. your goal weight of 125, that was five pounds ago and you keep saying five more pounds.

you’re bulimic.

 

and i just wanted to cry right there.

like will it ever be enough? im 5’2″.. im a good weight, i feel the same as i did at 135. i liked being 135 sometimes. like mentally. like it seemed like a great number.. then i’d look in the mirror and say, no more weight loss, but just in this small area.

and here we are 15 pounds later. none of my clothes fit. ive been pretty much broke since i was 162. like broke. my 8/10s dont fit a girl whos a 2/4. my belts are even too big. my shirts are like nightgowns. i swim in clothes. i want to go out to the bar and be CUTE. not go out to the bar in a big baggy tshirt and 5x.

today was like the ultimate test of my family knowing about bulimia. there have been so many close calls, even my aunt confronting me about it.. but if no one noticed anything today, i was in the clear.

which i guess i am seeing as i binged and purged three times in a row. drank a few bottles of soda to myself, and no one noticed a thing out of the ordinary.

fine by me. how was everyone else’s holiday? 

&it makes me think there must be something wrong with me

so i finally got my period…

keyword finally.

i was stressing myself out like crazy.

anywhoooo. its almost that time of year! just two more days! my least favorite holiday. how do you guys handle the holidays? going over a relatives house and being around so many people. and food. and more food. and more food.

it’s going to suck.

i was listening to the radio the other day, and the played kindof a throwback song.. and as i was jamming along i realized…. this song, defines my life right now. like PERFECT FIT.

do you guys have any songs that define your eating disorder/life? if so what? id love to hear!

dinner for two

hello all. so as of lately i’ve had horrible stomach pains. like HORRIBLE. And on top of it i eat everything i see. im never full. never ever ever ever full. purging it up just seems like a chore… which should be a good thing, except that im eating 10x a normal meal. TEN TIMES. i was supposed to have my period about 3 and a half weeks ago… and it never came. the other day i was craving a bbq chicken, cheese, mustard, mayo, relish sandwich on wheat. and i destroyed that shit. i dont even like condiments except ketchup. wtf. my stomach is bloated, i cant suck in like i could a few weeks ago, but the scale only says 126.8… i think i may be pregnant.

but HOW? like obviously i know how. and i know theres a great possibility… but can we be real for a second? a bulimic, cokehead, who snorts molly on the weekends…. pregnant.

that baby wont live past the first trimester… atleast it better not. i dont believe in abortion. like morally i think its wrong… i decided to have unprotected sex… i should deal with the consequences.. but i can’t stop binging and purging. ive done it three times today, and now im eating again… except i probably wont be able to purge this.. its pizza too 😦

this baby, WILL come out deformed if it somehow survives. I hope for its sake, it doesn’t. and i know thats awful to say, but i can’t even take care of my own health… let alone a baby.

 

fuckkkkkkkkkk

reconnecting

hey alllll. sorry i havent written in like over a month.. ive been kinda busy :((

i DID pass my drug test.. i was so worried, but now i have a new job 🙂 i know ive been saying for the longest time that i’d be getting one, and it finallllyyyyyy happened! its actually not something to be excited about. im not excited about it. i make sandwiches and fry chicken and deal with shitty overweight grease loving bitchy customers all day at a grocery store. but hey, it pays the bills.

my bulimia has been going pretty good for the most part.. i havent had much trouble purging… ive actually had about no trouble. but i do feel like im gaining weight even though the scale says 125. i look at my friends, who i know weigh about 135, and wonder how the scale says i weigh less, but im so much bigger than they. i dont get it 😦

we had a huge snowstorm that meesed my yard up… lke forreal.

we lost power for a week, in the middle of OCTOBER… reaaaalllyyyy???

 

i’ve been pretty happy for the most part recently. how have you guys been? lets reconnect 🙂